We argued again, it’s about that time of the week again. He blows threw his paycheck and puts his hand out. Most of the time I just let things role off my back. The people that are closes to you hurt you the most and have the ability to cut you the deepest. Today he got under my skin and I walked out on him. I didn’t mean it though, I knew who he was when I married him and I love him for it. As soon as I stepped into our yellow leaf covered yard, and tripped over piggy's tricycle I knew I was coming back. Now I’m killing time and wasting gas. I have nowhere to go I don’t really have any friends. So I’m just driving around cooling off. I stopped at the store on the corner to get a loosie threw out half of the cigarette cause I felt guilty. The radio isn’t even on. My mind is my enemy I can’t shut it off. He is my best friend. Piggy is at my moms house this weekend. We never argue around Piggy. I never want her to see us argue. I’ll treat her like my parents treated me she’ll never know that we don’t have any money and her father has an very expensive addiction to Mrs. Mary. All she’ll ever show her is love. Its bizarre I’m becoming more and more like my father each day, history is a funny thing. My downfall is that I’m a woman so it doesn’t work out to well. My phone keeps going off. I’m sure it’s a thread of apologies. He knows I’ll forgive him; he and piggy are all I’ve got. I Think I’ll go to Chris’ house I don’t wanna make up right now. I don’t wanna think about money. Its to much of a picturesque autumn day to cry.
Chris is like a brother to me I’ve known him since kindergarten he was a schoolmate up until college. He and everyone else finished. I dropped out my junior year to have piggy. I was already married and used to living with Trey. I walked in the house as usual I never knock, this is and always has been my second home anyway. “What happened this time, only time we see you anymore is when your trying to get away from that man” bobby says curled up beside Chris on the couch. “Nothing” is my reply as a flop on the parallel chair, a little irritated with the assumption of familiarity. Chris looks at me seeing the pain and irritation on my face and decides not to push the issue in front of company. I pick up a controller as I’ve done for 15 years. Barely present in the simple conversation all I can think about is what he and piggy are doing. “It’s finally getting old” I say breaking the silence 10 minutes later.
“What is” says chris.
“Playing these games, it kinda feels stupid when all I can think about is my dwindling bank account and what I need to do. The words Do something about it sauntered across the screen and I thought, oh yeah. “
“When was I supposed to grow up because I think I missed that memo.”
“Yeah your gonna be the 45 year old creeper at the anime convention” bobby chimes in.
“Tree I want you to see my new work, we’ll be right back bobby” Chris says seeing my irritation.
We walk into his studio and I am amazed and a little ashamed of myself. I have friends that are so talented and what have we done with our lives.
“What is it baby, you look like somebody shot your mama.”
“You know what wrong, but it’ll pass it always does I try not to let money ruin my day.
“It has the power to do that you know, you better get a handle on it before it handles you.”
“I know and I will”
“Don’t get testy with me! you know I mean well right?”
“I hear you talking It just feels like everybody is judging me”.
“Who’s judging you kitty” Francesco permits himself passage into our conversation.
I’ve known Frankie since high school he was my first real boyfriend if you call holding hands real. It was all good until he decided that he was gay it didn’t hurt me much because he was just a close friend anyway.
“ Everyone”
“oh woe is me”
“shut up”
“I love you kitty”
“love you to”
“Where have you been all my life?”
“In your heart”
“you too are idiots”. Chris says
We sat there and talk about mindless things for hours. My heart begain to lighting with youthful memories.
“If you don’t want me here then that’s all you had to say” bobby says bringing us all back to reality. Chris rushes off after bobby.
“He’s such a drama queen”
“You know he was always Jealous of you and chris”
“I don’t know why he’s like a brother to me and I’m married”
“I’m going to go home before he files a police report”
“okay”
I start to put on my coat ripped on both pockets and Frankie looks me up and down noticing my dirty and weathered chucks.
“Do you need anything”
“No”
“Stop being so proud everyone is worried about you if you need help just say so”.
“I’m fine, by kitty”
I rush past him and out the front door. Chris doesn’t notice me because of bobby’s whaling. Fighting the tears forming in my eyes mad at myself. Crying is so childish I have to be strong. I didn’t realize I had been gone so long its so dark.
I look at my phone and see my mother’s number buried in the 30 missed calls from Trey. I call her and she fusses at me for being irresponsible. My heart drops in my stomach and something breaks. I’m tired of feelings sorry for myself what have I been doing all day.
Trying to hold on to youthful things, things I should have let go of the day I said I do. I pull up at my moms and see my angle looking out the window. I have to be strong for piggy. I have to be strong for trey for our family this is the life I chose and I have to make the most of it.
I walk in the house and he’s in the same spot I left him in. There is so much pain in his face when he looks at me. He refrains from saying what he wants to. We share the same philosophy about raising piggy.
“you make me sick”
“I love you too”
“you smell like pot”
I curl up beside him in bed sink into the smell of his cologne and forget I was ever mad at him and drift out of consciousness.
